Imagethief appreciates that, in the midst of these troubled times for Chinese foreign policy, attention can still be spared for the really important issues. The Beijing News has reported that the kung-fu monks of fabled Shaolin Temple have taken umbrage against a post from a Chinese netizen claiming they were once beaten in combat by (shock!) a Japanese ninja. Naturally the Shaolin monks responded in the fashion that one would expect of those trained in the deadliest of hand-to-hand combat skills. They threatened litigation.

Recognizing a timely break from lead-plated playpens and radioactive prawn nuggets, and perhaps wanting to clear their "odd-news" quota before the upcoming party congress, western news organizations were quick to relay the report in somewhat breathless terms.

Although it has a proud history, Shaolin today seems to be the McDonalds of kung fu schools. It's widely franchised (or at least imitated), and reports from friends who have visited suggest that the monks have discovered that capitalism and martial Buddhism are not mutually exclusive. Shaolin even had its own Ronald McDonald style television ambassador, in the form of Keith Carradine, who convinced an entire generation of Americans that Shaolin kung fu was cool.

Unfortunately, it seems that while they may spend countless hours perfecting their horse stances and thickening their knuckle calluses, the Shaolin monks are not honing their irony skills enough. The offending Internet post might have been a veiled criticism of their commercialism. In the Telegraph, Richard Spencer notes:

[The] monastery may also have missed the point of [the critical blog] post, which is clearly a piece of satirical fiction and may be a veiled attack on current controversies surrounding the temple.

Its abbot, who has a chauffer-driven car and has aggressively marketed the temple’s name in China and abroad, has been accused of forgetting the temple’s spiritual values.

Pop-culture mavens will know that the Shaolin-Ninja controversy is not new. It was explored during both the 1970s heyday of kung fu movies and during the glitzy 1980s when infatuation with all things Japanese gave rise to the execrable "ninja" genre. People of my age may remember this as the genre that gave rise to such memorable screen presences as Michael Dudikoff and Sho Kosugi, and that endowed Lee van Cleef with life beyond westerns. Today it survives only in YouTube's entertaining "Ask a Ninja" series and in the recent "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" remake. (It's amazing how few people recall that "TMNT", in its original black-and-white comic book incarnation, was a send-up of eighties pop-culture cliches.)

But thanks to the home video long-tail and seventies and eighties cable TV revival nights it all lives on. Those who want to explore the Ninja vs. Shaolin controversy with the depth that it deserves can do so via the Shaw Brothers' "Shaolin Challenges Ninja" (starring Gordon Liu!) or the similarly titled "Shaolin vs. Ninja" or even "Ninja vs. Shaolin Guards". This is well trodden territory, and perhaps the monks need to consider expanding their litigation.

To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure who comes out on top in all these films. And, frankly, I don't really care, because in an era when the US Army is losing Glocks and AK47s faster than they can be manufactured, martial arts seem increasingly irrelevant. How do you settle a fight between Shaolin monks and ninjas? Drop a grenade into the middle of it. I didn't need to endure years of privation, training and study to come up with that one.

Still, Imagethief recognizes that some questions will remain matters of bitter controversy until they are settled with proper scientific rigor. Thus, in the spirit of open inquiry, I would like to propose a solution. I call upon all Shaolin monks and ninjas to assemble in the square between Beijing's Drum Tower and Bell Tower at midnight, September 21st, the Autumnal equinox, for a duel to decide once and for all who is the ass-kickingest. Traditional weapons, flying guillotines, and quasi-mystical powers only. No modern weaponry (so as to avoid the grenade dodge above). Remember, midnight belongs to the new day, so that means all combatants should be in Beijing on the 20th. Don't show up late and then bitch to me. Pack light, because you're probably going home in a box and honor doesn't up any space in an overhead bin.

I suggest Drum and Bell area for no other reason than that it should make a cool backdrop for an immense martial-arts battle. Once the tour coaches leave for the evening the square is big enough for several hundred combatants. Plus, the towers have plenty of vertical space for fighting and flying and the nearby alleyways should be good for chases and ambushes. If the Drum and Bell bar still has that nice rooftop garden it might be a good place to watch from.

I know that choosing a Beijing location seems a little unfair to the ninja contingent, but ninjas should be able to sneak onto airplanes for free. And I can't imagine they go through formal visa processes:

"What's the purpose of your visit to China?"
"Assassination, skullduggery and score-settling."
"Welcome to Beijing!" Stamp!

I'm sorry if the coming martial-arts super-battle inconveniences the neighborhood residents, but I am sure that it's a sacrifice that you'll all be willing to make in the interest of seeing this burning question settled. As for me, I'd love to be there, but as it happens I have to catch a plane for Italy from Shanghai at exactly that time (really). Beijing-based readers can tell me who wins.

 Yes, but who wins?